The Poet Laureate Of The Hanoi Hilton

An inspiring story about John Borling, the US airman whose poems, tapped out in code in the notorious North Vietnamese prison, the "Hanoi Hilton", kept alive the hearts and souls of his fellow captives. His book, Taps on the Walls, has been recently published.

Sadly, No Death Star Anytime Soon

It's astonishing to me that over 30,000 people signed a petition calling on the White House to "build the "Star Wars" inspired super-weapon to spur job growth and bolster national defense". I shouldn't be surprised at what people will sign. When I was on a whale watching tour in Nova Scotia I was entranced to learn that Greenpeace had called for names for a humpack whale it was following on its South Atlantic migration, and the winning name, with 119,367 votes, was Mr. Splashy Pants.

I still want to know, what were these people thinking? Does anyone really, seriously think that a Death Star, a moon-sized, galaxy roaming, planet-killing vessel, is either feasible or desirable? And how would it protect US security, seeing as US security problems, such as North Korea and Iran, are, well, on the same planet as the US? That would rather invalidate the planet-killing capability of the Death Star.

Fortunately, cooler heads are prevailing in Washington. On Friday last, "Paul Shawcross, an administration adviser on science and space, said a Death Star would cost too much to build — an estimated $850 quadrillion — at a time the White House is working to reduce the federal budget. Besides, Shawcross says, the Obama administration "does not support blowing up planets."

So it being a slow day in the mess, a bunch of us were thinking that it would be cool to be part of Death Star Command, assuming that such a thing was ever stood up. Just the shoulder badge alone would be awesome.

On the way home, I got to thinking about the merits of Canada stepping in, since the US is not interested in the project. I decided it would be unlikely, and here's why.

Top Ten Reasons Why Canada Probably Won't Build a Death Star

1) Language issues: would it be called "The Death Star" for English Canada, "L'Etoille de la Mort?" for French Canada, or "Dat Big Shiny 'Ting Dat Blows Stuff Up" in Newfoundland?

2) Provincial issues: Ottawa would have to parcel out construction projects to the provinces, requiring extensive drydock to spacedock upgrades in Halifax, Vancouver, and Montreal. A large Death Star maintenance contract to Winnipeg would be cancelled at the last minute and given to Quebec, thus creating a new generation's worth of East-West hostility.

3) Interservice issues: Fighting between the Navy and the Air Force over ownership of the Death Star project would take at least a generation to sort out. The Army would settle for a modest role as the Death Star Security Force, but this would mean long delays while white plastic stormtrooper uniforms were procured.

4) Cost issues: the Minister of Defence would lowball the cost at $600 quadrillion, and then revelation of cost overruns running the total to $850 quadrillion would paralyze Parliament for years. This delay would not include the costly F35 to TIE Fighter conversion project, which would have its own set of cost overruns and its own parliamentry debate. Expect a Crown Commission to be appointed to look into the costing issues.

5) Procurement issues: the Department of Defence would be castigated for considering European and US bids for design and construction of the Death Star. Demand would increase for a "made in Canada" Death Star, and at some point, someone would write to the Globe and Mail demanding that the Avro Arrow be built instead of a Death Star.

6) International law issues: Canadian Military police would be tasked to run the Death Star detention facilities, which, as Star Wars fans will recall, seems to be the second raison d'etre of having a Death Star other than blowing planets up. Post-Afghanistan concerns about potential mistreatment of Death Star detainees under international law would add yet another paralyzing debate to Parliament, especially when plans for the floating black globe with hypodermic needles were leaked. Situation is further complicated when Parliamentry subcommittee examines possible intergalactic law as it applies to alien detainees and their rights, such as Bothans and fur combs. Many long Supreme Court appeals ensue.

7)Security issues: Speaking of leaks, all the plans for Canada's Death Star would be sold by an RCN intel sub-lieutenant to a potentially hostile power for $200 and a pack of smokes. Luke and Han will not rescue the sub-lieutenant.

8)Manning issues: Crewing Canada's Death Star will require everyone currently serving in the Canadian Forces and then some. Civilian DND staff will be required to make up the Death Star's complement. Unfortunately, federal hiring freezes will make this impossible.

9)Environmental issues: Concerns about the habitat of the giant squid monsters in the Death Star trash compactors, and the need to protect them, will require that large sections of Canada's Death Star be declared as Environmentally Protected Areas, thus significantly degrading its operational effectiveness.

10) Cultural issues: Canadian public has a massive freak out when it learns that the federal government is building a Death Star. Massive debate in CBC and other media ensues as to whether a "Death Star" is in keeping with Canadian values and image in the world. Canadian neocons say "damn skippy it is", everyone else says no. Finally the government compromises on a Canadian Peacekeeping Star, but due to budget constraints what is finally built is a Canadian Peacekeeping Asteroid whose primary armament is a slightly larger Canadarm. A prototype is built, the project is cancelled, and the prototype is mysteriously destroyed, thus giving Canadian nationalists and conspiracy theorists new grist for their mill (see Avro, Arrow).

Christmas at Suffield 2

My work at Suffield also takes place outside the chapel. A garrison padre's lot is generally a quite one. People are busy in their workshops and offices, and other than sports and social events, it's harder to visit the troops than it is in the field, where most people stand around between sort bursts of strenuous activity. Fortunately, there's Christmas, or "silly season" as the troops call it.

The army has its own Christmas traditions, including "subbies' carolling", a night in which the junior officers ("subbie" from the English word "subaltern" meaning a young lieutenant) visit the senior officers' homes in ascending order, ending with the colonel. At each stop the young gentlemen stand on the porch, bawl out a carol, and then are invited in for festive cheer. Rather a lot of drinking happens, and by the time the night ends at the colonel's house, chaps are often quite fare gone, and often rack their brains the next morning, wondering if they did anything at the boss' house that will compromise their careers. We did our carolling the first week of December, and I embraced the thankless ministry of the designated driver. One of our captains ended his night in a spectacular degree of inebriation requiring casualty evacuation, so I never did make it to the colonel's house, but the stories I heard. There are stories about me from a previous year, involving a teddy beer, but don't believe them.

Another Christmas tradition in the army is the soldier's Christmas dinner, in which the officers and NCOs serve a Christmas dinner to the junior ranks (corporals and privates). Several customs are often observed during this event. Promotions are announced, and the oldest and youngest junior ranks are invited to sit at the head table. The Colonel and the youngest private exchange tunics, and the young soldier gets to be the CO for an hour or two, in a military version of the Lord of Misrule.

I don't know the age of this tradition, which most likely has its origins in the Vctorian era, when Christmas began to be widely sentimentalized. In the Canadian army it is a tradition of some age, and its most famous observance was during the Battle of Ortona, Italy, in 1943.

Members of the Seaforth Highlanders sit down for their Christmas dinner. Photo: Terry F. Rowe / Canada. Department of National Defence / Library and Archives Canada / PA-152839

Our own Christmas dinner saw Canadian and British soldiers sharing the same tables, and being generally well behaved, knowng that their RSM's eagle eye would catch anyone who started a foodfight. The food was excellent, and the soldiers enjoyed several cans of beer along with turkey and all the trimmings, as well as Christmas crackers.

Something I like to do at Suffield when I am called upon to say grace is to write some sort of rhyming grace that captures the spirit of the occasion, on the theory that people are more likely to listen to a grace if it is humorous and interesting. Here is my attempt for this year's soldier's Christmas dinner. The reference to hockey is to the Suffield ice hockey tournament (privates vs corporals vs sergeants/warrants vs officers that occurs the morning of the Christmas dinner.

Put down your tools, ignore the phone, In a week or so we're going home. Today's a day for food and cheer, For the holidays are drawing near.

May this morning's hockey rivalry, Give way to festive revelry. May we who traded shots on goal Now say "Happy Christmas" and "Noel".

God bless all who serve, as they are able, And bless each Canuck and squaddie at the table. Lord, be with us as we take our ease, And guard our comrades overseas.

Once the soldiers are dismissed to their afternoon off work, the high priced help gets busy with mop and dishrag, and once the mess is cleaned, the tradition of the Mess At Home begins. This year it was the Officers' turn to be invited to the Warrants' and Sergeants' mess for a reception.

Usually for these visits there is a price of admission, some act or performance that shows had badly the visitors want in. My task, along with a young REME lieutenant named Andy, was to come up with a Christmas song. After a few dead ends I remembered the carol from the Christmas truce scene in the 1968 Richard Attenborough film, Oh What A Lovely War.

Our singing wasn't nearly as good as harmonies in the film. However, this is what Andy and I came up with, helped by a few other submissions.

<p>It was Christmas time at BATUS*, the happiest day of the year, Men's hearts were full of gladness and their bellies full of beer, When up spoke RSM McCormack, his face as bold as brass, Saying "We don't want your Christmas pudding, you can stick it up your ... TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY, COMFORT AND JOY, OH TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY

Now there were several sergeants, an elk** they swore to get They booked the day off sick and got on the internet. So sorry RSM Reid, that you didn't get to hunt, Pity that your elk as gone, to some civvie ... TIDINGS OF .....

Nw there were several Warrant Officers, who guessed they might promote Totty, Emerson and Robbo are but three to note Early Xmas pressie time, for them as you could tell, But we are also winners, cos they need to ring the ...***\ TIDINGS OF ......

MNow the Sergeants and the Warrants they are thick as thieves, Lots of dirty tricks they have hidden up their sleeves. When they're playing hockey they love an illegal hit Peace on earth to all ... they couldn't give a .... TIDINGS OF ...........

Don Reid is off to study French, the Base would go to hell, Were not for the efforts of that gallant gunner, Bell. Now some may wonder how he got to carry that pace stick,**** The answer's very simple, they chose the biggest ... TIDINGS OF .......

And now our song comes to an end, we hope it brought you cheer, Now open up the bloody doors, and give us food and beer. Perhaps you didn't like our rhymes, perhaps you thought they suck, It makes no difference to us, cos we don't give a ... TIDINGS OF ..........

*BATUS = British Army Training Unit Suffield **elk = tragedy this fall when no one at the base won an online competition to get a hunting license for one of the elk in the Suffield training area ***ring the bell = a costly mess tradition, when one is promoted, where you have to ring a bell at the bar signifying that you will buy everyone a drink ****pace stick = the ceremonial stick, used to measure pace length for drill, identifying the senior noncommissioned officer in a base or formation

Our singing did get us admission, even though it was dismissed by our British senior host as "a crap song that someone wrote", but to actually enter the building we had to crawl through an obstacle course involving tables, camo nets, shots of alcohol and custard powder (a long story). Once inside, my memory gets rather hazy, but I did meet up with my friend Andy the REME officer, and I was saddened to see that someone had taken a set of clippers to one side of his spectacular wax moustache, a holdover from Movember that we had all become quite proud of.

"My subject is war, and the pity of war."

And that, gentle reader, pretty much exhausts the subject of what I did at Christmas at Suffield this year. After tomorrow's service I'll shut down the chapel, as the Base and the married quarters will be pretty much deserted, and I'll devoutly pray that my pager remains silent as everyone enjoys a safe and happy holidays.

Military Humour of the Week

During World War Two, Canadian soldiers, who were often more Canadian than they were soldiers, citizens putting up with hardship and absurdity to do a necessary and unpleasant job, laughed at the cartoon character Herbie, who embodied all their trials and indignities. Herbie was the creation of a Canadian sergeant, William Garnet "Bing" Coughlin, whose cartoons appeared starting midwar in The Maple Leaf.

I was browsing through a collection of Herbie cartoons in a now out-of-print collection (Thomas Nelson, 1959, though I think reprinted in 2008) and found this depiction of a Canadian army padre. It's a clever piece. The padre's question - "Maintenance, I presume?" - could be sheer cluelessness (something we are famous for) or he could be gently letting the would-be distillers know that he is turning a blind eye to their still. Which do you think it is?

Britain's New Forces Sweetheart Named

Vera Lynn left some pretty big high-heeled shoes to fill but apparently Richard Rhodes is the man to fill them.



Rhodes, who goes by the stage name of Cookie Monstar, is the first drag queen to have earned the title of "Forces Sweetheart" for entertaining British troops. Given what I've seen at Suffield of squaddie humour and the love of British troops for a good laugh, I can't say I'm shocked, surprised, or disillusioned. As my brother the Mad Colonel observed, it's quite the contrast from the Don't Ask, Don't Tell attitude.

Read more here.

Why Priests and Guns Are a Questionable Idea

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot indeed. Sent to my by my nephew Tom. Obviously Eastern European armies have different regs on chaplains bearing arms than we do.

Christmas Dinner with Hitler

This one cracks me up every Christmas.

Notable Quotable: Tom Paine on discovering one's hidden inner chaplain

I'm currently reading American author Tom Paine's comic novel from 2003, The Pearl of Kuwait, about some US marines who go AWOL to rescue a beautiful princess after Saddam Hussein invades Kuwait. It's got a lovely style, told in the voice of Marine and surfer dude Carmichael. This passage, where a Marine officer is lecturing his troops on the humanity of the enemy, made me smile. I especially like the use of italics when he gets to the word chaplain. MP+


"In that sense, you and the average Iraqi soldier could have some common ground, do you see?"

No marine of Third Platoon could see.

There was silence and the humour evaporated. Captain Pettigrew was up there hanging, and you would have thought he'd pull back from the edge, but he stumbled onwards and said, "All I'm asking is for you not to demonize the individual Iraqi soldier. The average Iraqi soldier is a human being just like you who" - and here you could see Captain Pettigrew trying to circle back and tie it all together but having some trouble ... And then Captain Pettigrew said something that even he looked confused about when it came out of his mouth: "What I want is for you men to feel there is a fellow human in the Iraqi out there in the trenches."

There was total silence. I don't think any of the men had known there was such a chaplain hidden in their captain. I had the sense that even Captain Pettigrew was surprised that he had a chaplain hidden inside, but war changes people in all sorts of ways. From then on Pettigrew was known behind his back as Captain Chaplain.

Going Gaga for Singing, Dancing, Marching Soldiers

This is what it looked like in the Halifax Metro Centre last night at the final dress rehearsal of the Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo. I was able to attend thanks to a friend who is a Tattoo staffer - I think most of the packed crowd last night were there on comp tickets, and we were all treated to a fabulous three hour show of marching troops, military bands, pipes and drums, acrobatics, dancers, choirs, etc.



The theme of the 2010 Tattoo was largely naval, reflecting the 100th anniversary of the Canadian Navy, and there was a good naval presence not only from Canada but from Germany and a fine marching band composed of retired US Marines. Acrobats, cyclists and gymnasts from France,the Netherlands and Estonia added some comic and at times heart-stopping moments. The Tattoo runs from July 1 to 8 and if you are in or near Halifax, I heartily recommend it, and also recommend that you leave ample time to find parking near the Metro Centre.

I have no one to blame but myself (she's like a train wreck, I can't help myself for looking) for watching Lady Gaga's new video "Alejandro". This is sort of relevant to my post because the video starts with what appear to be marching and dancing soldiers, though God alone knows for what reason. Unfortunately for her and her dancing soldiers, the Tattoo is a family show, so don't expect to see Lady Gaga in the program any time soon.

Speaking of Lady Gaga and marching soldiers (you were wondering where I was going with this, weren't you?), I was delighted to come across this piece about how some real soldiers, with the US Army's 82nd Airborne Division in Afghanistan, have made their own spoof of another Lady Gaga video, "Telephone". It's good to see that the fine tradition of the viral comic military music video is being continued. One of the participants in the US video, a Sgt. Aaron Melcher, has already acquired his own Facebook following. One wonders what the Taliban make of it all. I would definitely go back to the Tattoo if they booked these 82nd AB guys do their Lady Gaga thing.

Military Picture of the Week

This beast has been developed by the British Army to protect soldiers from Improvised Explosive Devices, the insurgents' weapon of choice in Afghanistan.



A Buffalo mine protection vehicle with a rummaging arm
[Picture: Andrew Linnett, Crown Copyright/MOD 2010]

Is it just me or does anyone else find it very British and slightly endearing that the vehicle should be equipped with a "rummaging arm"? "Rummaging" sounds like a word that would be used by A.A. Milne to describe Pooh looking in his cupboard for an errant pot of honey. Surely the Americans or even we Canadians would have an acronym to describe this piece of kit (eg, CIEDRE - Counter IED Remote Extender)but to the Brits it's a "rummaging arm". I rather like that.

Notable Quotable: Marine Corps General says "Power Point Makes Us Stupid"

A PowerPoint diagram meant to portray the complexity of American strategy in Afghanistan certainly succeeded in that aim.

We Have Met the Enemy and He Is PowerPoint

By ELISABETH BUMILLER
The New York Times
Published: April 26, 2010

A PowerPoint diagram meant to portray the complexity of American strategy in Afghanistan certainly succeeded in that aim.

Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal, the leader of American and NATO forces in Afghanistan, was shown a PowerPoint slide in Kabul last summer that was meant to portray the complexity of American military strategy, but looked more like a bowl of spaghetti.

“When we understand that slide, we’ll have won the war,” General McChrystal dryly remarked, one of his advisers recalled, as the room erupted in laughter.

Read the whole piece here.

Note to Taliban: Surrender Now

Because if you don't, these three soldiers are deploying next year and it'll be ugly, you know what I'm saying?



These three ladies are members of the Oklahoma National Guard's roller derby team, and their story is told here. And in case you're wondering, they say that all the hits and spills in roller derby are real.

If you want a further laugh at the Taliban's expense, check out Andy Borowtiz's humour piece in the latest New Yorker magazine on news that the Taliban are attempting to rebrand themselves.

Canadian Forces Decorations You Might Not Have Heard Of

I once heard a Canadian general say that one of the problems with the military is that we are obssessed with the "Three Ms" - Me, Money, and Medals. Typically soldiers are modest about their decorations (sometimes called gongs). My father, for example, was very self-deprecating about the Military Cross he won in Korea, implying that it was a PR effort for an obscure war when in fact "my CO chased me up the hill, the Chinese chased me back down, and my men followed me out of curiousity". Even so, soldiers are conscious of who wears what - medals say what you've done and where you've been. A collection of medals is known as a "rack" and male soldiers, as you can imagine, like to look at a nice rack.

Here's a collection of CF medals that don't exist but probably should. I can't take credit for it - if you've been in for a while, you'll have seen it around.

Military Picture of the Week

From a friend's brother's pictures of his trip to Paris, taken in 2009 at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Some fitness standards needed in the French military, perhaps?

Military Picture of the Week

Despite record snowstorms throughout Britain, it's good to see from this MOD Image of the Day that the British military has not lost its sense of humour. MP+



Troops from 16 Air Assault Brigade, the Army's premier rapid reaction force, based in Colchester, were back at work yesterday, Thursday 7 January 2010, despite the heavy snow. But during a morning coffee break, troops and civilian staff from the Brigade Headquarters took the opportunity to put some new recruits through their paces. These recruits took the form of maroon-bereted snowmen who stood guard outside the base. A brigade spokesmen said: "It is seldom the weather is good enough for the snowmen to train with us. They have worked hard, are very stoical and don’t seem to mind the cold." [Picture: Corporal Rupert Frere RLC, Crown Copyright/MOD 2010]

Military Picture of the Week

It's Friday and with Remembrance Day now safely behind us for another year, I hope it's now not too irreverent to post this photo, courtesy of my brother the Mad Colonel, who seems to have a line on shots of major uniform malfunctions.

Military Picture of the Week

It's Friday and that means another milpic of the week, courtesy of my brother the Mad Colonel. There are apparently Indian and Pakistani soldiers. Glad to see them competing at drill and not with H-bombs.

Military Picture of the Week

It's Friday and it's time for another Military Picture of the Week, courtesy of my brother the Mad Colonel.



Never a good thing to find that your banana hammock is leading the parade.

Military Picture of the Week

From my brother the Mad Colonel. Don't know the provenance of this one but it looks like a chorus of Navy SEALS (or the Asian equivalent).

Military Image of the Week

One of many pictures from the recent 60th National Day Parde in Beijing on September 15. This one shows "Soldiers from the PLA Airborne Corps massag[ing] their comrades during a break at a training session at the 60th National Day Parade Village in the outskirts of Beijing (REUTERS/Joe Chan).



Is it just me, or do some of these guys look less comfortable massaging their colleagues than others? And what would the drill command for that be, anyway?